REACT

You think you got me,

But that's just a thought, not a fact.

For as I know and so should you,

It's about how I react and not about how you act.

This cloud of darkness ain't gonna bring me down,

My smile will be permanent, temporary is this frown.

I know I have been honest, I know I have been true

I know I have done all to always please you.

But I was never a priority because you chose you,

You did what you did, now see what I do.

Undeserved failures, one too many,

At first it seemed so but now it's not even funny.

Success awaits me and realisation for you

Had you known better , you could have been a part of it too.  

My way or the highway, come what may,

Was something I'd never say.

But I guess the highway's been too smooth and breezy

It's made it hard for me but for you it's easy.

I will have what I and how I want,

Now there is nothing to bother, there is nothing to haunt.

Your regulations, your discouragement, even your attitude so cavalier

None of it is gonna make any difference here!

Difference even if any, the fact remains a fact,

It's about how I react and not about how you act.

SOME DREAMS!!!....OR ARE THEY??!

The sticky note on my desktop tells me it's five days to go for my exams to end!That was two days ago,a measure to help me keep going and keep me studying for trust me, I have lost all motivation and inspiration to really study like I did in my graduation years and score the sky.Not that I ever have but I have to say my graduation years comprised of purposeful studying, something that went a bit ahead of the mere classroom teaching. Healthy debates with the teacher, information of the world, how a Chinese and simultaneously an American boy my age must be living in their country with a completely different administrative system shaping them, understanding Shakespeare(though that seemed,sorry,seemeth a task at times!)and reading and understanding wonderful elegies and poems by Shelley,Keats and Milton. Working for the college magazine under a wonderful team, writing articles and selecting them for the magazine along with ma'am and my best friend who also happened to be a part of my team, hanging out in the cool cafe opposite college, parties, exams. Damn, those were the years that shaped me! I have learnt so much from those days. 

But we have had some really good times here too, haven't we? Just the other day, I was flipping through all the photos and videos of me and my friends on Facebook and man, it was such a trip down memory lane!! Everyone looks different though we have seen each other everyday for almost 12 of the 24 hours each day for the past one and a half years and more, we have danced like drunkards in the classroom, we have sat on the front bench and had register chats while pretending to be scholars with invisible broad rimmed spectacles on our eyes, we have exchanged glances everytime a particular song has played and smiled or laughed on the lyrics, tune and sound of the singer, we have had completely useless idiotic philosophical talks over matters ranging from religion to sex(both the kinds),we have randomly allotted female roommates to their male counterparts making hilarious combinations of people who haven't even properly spoken to each other, we have gone bonkers when a camera is rolling, talking nonsense into it and interfering each other(fly on the wall style!)every other place in the campus or city has some memory attached with it and everytime we pass by it,we remind ourselves of what happened there. We abuse each other with the choicest of expletives, we have signature lines and mannerisms, we imitate each other in the sorriest way possible and crack up. We suddenly remind ourselves that very soon we won't be hanging out like this and become all silent and cranky. And then we also study and manage to pass every semester, expressing shock while holding the mark sheet telling each other how we never thought we would score as much. Wow, never thought much about these moments! They strike particularly hard now that I reach the end of a journey I started with a completely blank slate. There were so many phases, so many events, people who influenced, people who mattered. I have always found this thought of this college amazing, a country full of people, some from the same city, who otherwise would never have met or thought of each other will depart knowing and befriending and loving such a variety of people!

There are these different images imprinted in my mind of how I would bump into these people at some point in my life later and how we would be successful professionals, we would make up plans to catch up at a cafe over coffee or how I would treat a friend over dinner at this expensive hotel where she and I can only imagine to be eating,and then with another friend how we would have a race on the streets of Mumbai late at night, where she would be driving her BMW 530i and I would be in my Mercedes SLK Roadster and then when it comes to directing my first film, how I would call up my friend and ask her/him to be the cinematographer or editor or scriptwriter for it and then when the film is successful, we would give interviews together to a journalist from a prominent newspaper or channel who would also happen to be one of my friend from the Journalsim batch and I would boast of how we started out in college, making crappy short films, making plans to collaborate on projects in the future and then how we made such a masterpiece together and then my Journalst friend would be interviewing us!If not for anything else,just for the sake of these amazing images, I will work as hard as possible to make them come true! Guys, let's make it happen!!      

THE BOY AND THE GIRL

A heavy traffic, busy roads, people hardly bothered about people's presence and a lot of noise and activity. He stood right in the middle of the street, in front of a statue in bronze color with some pavement around it. If you captured it from a camera, it would separate him from the crowd. His eyes searched for something, someone. He was visibly anxious as his eyes moved to and fro faster than the fluctuating directions of the traffic and maybe his heart too was beating a bit faster than usual. As he turned to look towards the Bank Of Maharashtra branch towards his right, amidst the fleeting crowd he saw one person on whom his eyes stopped and then there was a silent happiness in his heart. There, at a distance of a two roads she stood she in black and blue. A black T-shirt and blue three fourths with the hair tied neatly in one pony behind and a cell phone in her hand. She waved lightly to indicate her presence and to get his attention and she succeeded marvelously at the latter. She went one better in fact, she captured it!

They were meeting! They were finally meeting! It had been around four years now, since they had last seen each other. There had been chance encounters and small silent, unmentionable meetings in between but this was the first meeting, in the true sense of the word where two people face each other and talk, that they were having. She came closer as she crossed the road and his anxiety rose to new heights. 'She is still so beautiful' was the first thing he could think of, saying it was a different ballgame! They shook hands, smiled and wished each other a Happy New Year. His mind was full of questions to ask and answers to hear but somehow he was finding it slightly difficult to clearly open up  and speak. She was being diplomatic, polite in fact as she conducted herself with him and asked if they could sit somewhere and talk. He consented and they walked into a neat and clean restaurant on the roadside. As he ordered for two cups of coffee, he was about to begin. They talked, for an hour and then some more, the past came to life, the present was its result and the future seemed completely hollow and blank. He was trying to get to something, just a friendship was more than enough, she was adamant, understandably so but he could hardly see it. He was not able to frame it right, she was not able to get it right. It all ended in a sheer mess! As they headed out of the coffee shop, he was full of disappointment, she probably was a bit sad too at the way things had gone, they both had wished there would be a different outcome this time but some miscommunication meant that was not meant to happen. A friendship would have been a bonus of sorts for him. As they bid goodbye to each other and walked the opposite sides of the road, he, cliched as it may sound but nonetheless emotionally looked back to her, she walked on. He knew probably this was the last time their paths had crossed, he wished they would cross once again some other day.

It has been three years but that day hasn't yet dawned. Even a coincidence was not meant. But after those three years, when the boy through destiny or whatever you may call it was brought back to that very place again and he could literally see those three or four hours that impacted him so much, play out in front of him he could only smile, smile at his naiveness then, at her situation, at the sheer nostalgia it evoked, at how far he had come from that day and also how far must she have gone. Everything there was just like it was then yet everything had moved on. Yes, I could have handled things better then and maybe things could have been a lot different today but the way it stands, I accept it wholeheartedly. I caused my own situation. She was not wrong. She just couldn't get it. For whatever its worth, I am sorry the way things went that day. And I still wish our paths cross someday just so I could say this to you. You were not wrong.    

    

SOME RELATIONSHIPS ARE NEVER MEANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD.....

I can almost see every detail in his eye, eyes which are old, eyes which convey a sea of emotions, eyes which have seen the world. Tears wait and then start flowing as he starts talking. And I am intrigued, intrigued by the story he is about to tell even though I have seen and heard it I don't know how many times before! He, she and their story was indeed much ahead of its time. The way it ended, who's to blame for that? Well, I can't put it on anyone except for I guess.....time.

Released in 2007, Ram Gopal Verma made what will truly remain a talked about, memorable and intensely debatable and progressive film, NISHABD. Although the reasons for it's being talked about so much might change a bit due to the tragic and sad demise of Jiah Khan, it's central protagonist, the reasons which made the film what it is stay on strong. I just happened to see the film yet again the other day and yet again it left me with that uneasy incompleteness in my mind. No, there was no sympathy for Mr. Bachchan's character, even now, there was empathy. All that the film really leaves you with is a question, "who's to blame for this?" What if Vijay, Mr. Bachchan's character had made the other choice?

For the uninitiated, let me just take you down memory lane and refresh your memory over this film. Vijay, a retired photographer in his late fifties, married(not happily, mind you!)with a 18 year old daughter has a surprise visitor one summer during his daughter's vacation. Enter 18 year old, spunky, spirited, bold and at the same time lovably childish Jiah! One thing leads to another, Vijay and Jiah are thrown into circumstances wherein they have to spend time with each other. Love is discovered for Jiah, or at least so she thinks and (un?)fortunately rediscovered for Vijay as a quirky and lethal attraction binds them together and Vijay discovers that even after more than 20 years of marriage, all he has to say about it is 'no complaints'. Jiah too provides an interesting contradiction, coming from a broken family with a mother eloping with her lover leaving her husband and daughter behind, only to almost becoming the person she hates, her mother. 'Take light' is the motto she lives by. However she leaves four lives heavily disturbed as she goes away. In the end, Vijay makes the ultimate, I'd say, a sensible decision of letting go off his love for the bell of monogamy rings hard in his ears and he also realises that the love he cherishes might not be cherished by Jiah as much when she really comes of age and understands what love truly is. But the decision is not as convenient as it appears for it leaves Vijay lonely, battered and purposeless in life.

The film was immensely provocative for me in the sense that it really made me broaden my horizons towards certain notions that we as a society have imposed upon ourselves. One, what if, just for the sake of cinema and challenging common notion, RGV chose to unite Jiah and Vijay towards the end? Logically speaking, I wouldn't say that would be the best choice Vijay or for that matter anyone in his place would make but still, would it have really harmed to experiment? What if their love did last? That maybe Vijay and Jiah could actually live happily ever after, at least as long as Vijay could! Come to think of it, even after Vijay took the personally harder decision of letting go off Jiah, his wife and daughter couldn't forgive him. Which brings me to my second question, why is forgiving such a hard option? Let's talk in the context of the film. Agreed it was not really inspiring to see Vijay finding love again and momentarily ditching his marriage and daughter but when he made the 'right' choice and completely let go off Jiah, couldn't his wife and daughter give him one chance?? Just ONE chance? A woman who has been in love and completely devoted to her husband for more than 20 years and a daughter who was pampered and loved by her father for 18 years suddenly lose all faith in him because of one, I wouldn't even say mistake, incident? And even then, he thought about the both of them and made a sacrifice for them! Didn't Vijay deserve one chance? At least the daughter who is a generation apart from her mother could have given a thought but no, she abandons him and leaves for America! Wow!! I admit that I myself didn't endorse the concept of forgiving someone who hurt me gravely but then if that person did make sincere amends and you can see when it's sincere, I will always forgive them. Does a deed that hurt you overpower a million deeds of that same person who made you smile, laugh and reassured you every time that he/she will be there for you and Vijay did keep his promise when he took his decision but still no empathy from his wife! That is being really regressive! But no one would question her right? She is the 'betrayed woman'! Really?!

Three, what if RGV made this film today? Would it garner the same reactions it garnered back then? I don't think so. Again for the uninitiated, post the film's release, certain sections of society slammed RGV and more so Mr. Bachchan for being a part of 'such kind of' films. People said that since they considered Mr. Bachchan their idol, it was hurtful for them to see their idol indulge in such behaviour! Jokes were made on it, RGV was rubbished as a director and people, in general questioned the film's purpose while only a few acknowledged that the film was just ahead of its time and that our audience is not ready for such cinema. Some years later "Cheeni Kum" releases and the audience laps it up in a big manner. Same story told in a comical manner and the audience is all claps and praises! Seriously man! What would you say to that? If it's Tabu who Mr. Bachchan is in love with & Paresh Rawal happens to be her father, then it's okay but if it's Jiah Khan and RGV makes it then it's not acceptable!! It's all there for you to see!

I wish, for your and our sake Mr. Verma that you would have made Nishabd some years later. At least you would have had an audience that understands some relationships which are never meant to be understood.   

'DARK' FANTASIES

What were you like in your teenager days? The rebellious, spunky, outgoing type or the naive, slightly reserved and carefree type? Actually, come to think of it, all of us are pretty much the same, we are discovering life, we are discovering ourselves, and of course we are also discovering......porn!

Ah yes!! Porn! What did you think about that as a teenager? We all know the forbidden aura and taboo that surrounded(?, surrounds) it. It was something that marked your entry into adulthood, like you were a REAL man when you bragged to your friends about this latest 'film' that you saw. At the same time, you felt guilt, a very secret one, one that you didn't want to feel, your innocent brain trying to brainwash you into making you accept that it is okay. And sure you tried super hard and honestly to not see it again, you might have even swore to people and even God among others that you wouldn't even think of it, but as the years built up and you came of age, your promise also aged and eventually died.

My first encounter with porn was still really late! 19 was when I first saw someone set my adrenaline racing even faster than Schumacher's Ferrari and my eyes lost their virginity. Someone doing something that was so in your face and unapologetically in a world which calls it blasphemous and apparently deriving pleasure from it seemed so uncharacteristically amazing. These people are living the ultimate fantasy and getting paid for it, what more could they possibly want in life, I thought. That was until I saw what a few saw then, a documentary. A lot more was being shed other than clothes and too little was seen apart from what was shown. THE DARK SIDE OF PORN, the name instantly caught my attention. This was different, someone was here apart from the fundamentalists who was painting a picture of the porn industry never seen before. A fantasy turned into a harsh reality check and it became the all too familiar story of someone who suddenly rises to the top, stays there briefly and then spirals down to a pathetic end, either of their life or their careers. There was never a happy porn story to tell. But there seemed some respite in the fact that the attitude of the people overseas  was quite different from what we harbour here. A porn star was also a human being, he/she too had a life behind the camera, a story to tell and someone cared to listen to it. As I delved more into the stories the porn stars turned out to be as in your face and bold and troubled as they portrayed themselves on screen. Real and reel blurred disturbingly and made me see an actual hero and heroine behind their screen persona.  From having to combat sexually transmitted diseases to financial troubles, followed by societal distinguishing and troubled childhoods and family lives, a porn star faces it all every day. And while we might fantasise about the kind of sex life they lead with some even calling them 'liberated', 'in control of their lives' and 'goddesses' and what not , the truth is the reality is a far cry from the fantasy. The lustful nature of the sex which is increasingly becoming objective and even abusive would make these people never realize what it is to make love and feel the LOVE in it. For them, it becomes all about spreading your legs and shoving and moaning in so called pleasure. And talking about love, can you really imagine having a love life when your profession is such? So what, you wake up in the morning, kiss your lover on the cheek, whisper a sensuous 'Good Morning' in his/her ears, get all dressed up and ready, have breakfast together, say 'I Love You' and kiss him/her to leave for work and then return at night, tired and exhausted from what, fucking a couple of guys or girls?? Does it even sound like anything practical let alone romantic! Agreed there are porn stars who are married and have boyfriends/girlfriends but how much do we know about the tenure or the nature of their relationship? Is this something you would or could live with, every day of your life? People say most aspirants enter the industry for the quick buck, for its magnanimous payroll and it's non nine-to-five nature. But when you will be spending that payroll in clinics for tests ensuring you haven't contracted HIV and will be an object of lust and nothing else in the eyes of an ever increasing number of eyeballs, the money doesn't quite exude its charm as much, does it?

While there is still some semblance of a structure and organisation when it comes to the American and British porn industry, I would shudder at the state of affairs for porn stars in our beloved country. With a conservative and 'holier than thou' society on one hand and a ruthless, abusive, uneducated and money minded porn industry on the other with a handful of concerned individuals who care in between, my 'dark fantasies' have all but disappeared in the dark.                           

THE GODS,THE MORTAL AND THE EARTHLY HAVEN

I am happy!!I really am!The funny thing is I can't find anything more to say to add to this feeling.When I am sad,I have a barrage of things to pour out to the world and beyond!But happiness seems to inject in me a weird sense of contention and completeness in the sense that I can't seem to say anything beyond the fact that I am happy!

But I shall still try!Lets begin with why am I happy?Okay,I had an amazing time at this rather famous restaurant cum local lounge located below my heavenly abode.Every weekend all the gods and goddesses descend from above to this earthly haven to seek solace from the pressures the Enlightened and Divine face.Not exactly my thing then,being a mere human that I am.My first tryst with the place was not exactly pleasant,okay it was not at all pleasant for reasons I can't exactly explain here.But this second tryst turned out to be quite the opposite!!After quite a long time,I was dancing footloose,sans any inhibitions,feeling the music thump with my heartbeats and with a gang of friends to dance with and an enthusiastic one at that things had to be different,didn't they?Dumping my everyday worries and concerns in the wine the company there enjoyed and releasing all that energy through the smoke they smoked,I just let go!!Man,it was fun!I wanted this!Although time was cut short as we retired a bit early,I am still tripping over all the dancing and fun and music and the good time I had with my friends.With a hectic week coming up in exactly 12 hours I am ready to face it!The great thing about happiness is that it is like me,it grows on you if you persist with it.So if you are happy now and you continue to feel so for some time,it will add on and you feel happy about other things in life,there is this reassurance of everything is okay,you don't really miss things or people,you are enthusiastic and it just......feels right!!Then even if you are single,slightly weird and unpopular you relish the thought that you can let your eyes meditate on several heavenly bodies sans any inhibitions,your weirdness separates you from the all too similar 'normal' crowd out there and your unpopularity allows you enough time to sort yourself out and not get entangled in the problems of others!

Well,that's about it for now.That quite much encompasses every thing I wanted to say.Oh,by the way I will be visiting the place sometime soon again as decided by me and this amazing dancer friend of mine.So till then,this was one tryst corrected!